Lie

* A little poem I wrote in a Creative Writing class a friend of mine teaches.

Lie.

Lie. Go on, do it.

Lie to me.

Lie to me while you lie beside me.

Lie to me the way I like it.

Lie to me with empty promises.

Lie to me with strong conviction.

Lie to me to keep me hooked on your addiction.

Lie to me with wide smiles and cozy eyes.

Lie to me to validate what I know inside.

Lie to me.

Lie. Go on, do it.

Lie.

Waiting

**This is a song/poem I wrote. It's sing-songy like a song but it has no beat to flow to, so for now it's just a poem..until further notice.... =)

Don't know why I sat by the phone 

When I knew you wouldn't call. 

Guess it was my young heart's desire 

when my mind knew all along.

She tried so desperately to warn me 

to make me see your ways. 

But everytime she was resolved 

My naive heart told me, stay. 

The warning signs have always been 

hiding in plain sight 

but through thick rose jaded glasses 

your red flare was guiding light.

Your deep facade is empty 

a barrier to your innerself. 

I though that if I paved the way  

You'd follow with my help. 

But now I see my time and care were 

used, abused, and wasted. 

Thown away on someone 

who's view on love was tainted.

So here I sit--without you 

but surely not alone 

my lonely heart and frustrated mind 

are still waiting by the phone.

The 3 Entities

“What you want might make you cry and what you need might pass you by if you don’t catch it. And what you need ironically will turn out you want to be if you just let it.”

-Lauryn Hill 

Wise words, beautiful song. I guess I just don’t have the patience. It seems that all the needs in my life never quite match the wants. My brain and my heart are constantly in a civil war and quite frankly, my body is beyond tired. Sound and grounded, my brain has visions of what my life needs for success and survival but my heart is a free spirit. She is stubborn and refuses to be told what to do. From her perspective, if things do not feel good in the moment there is no need for it in our life. I’ve tried to teach her the virtue in patience, to see life beyond the here and now. But she never has been what one would call virtuous and delayed gratification is out of the question. Both me and my brain are fed up with her but she is impossible to let go of. Her arrhythmic beat is the sound track to my life. True it can be erratic, but once you catch the rhythm it turns into a beautiful song. Had I only listened to my brain over the last twenty-one years, life would have been beige and dull; quiet. I’m sure it would have been my version of perfection but where is the fun in that? 

While my brain is methodical and my heart is fickle, I am selfish. I don’t want to have to choose between the two. I want the things that I need to also be the things that I want. Why should I have to sacrifice one or the other? They are both equally important. Of course my mind tells me to get the essentials, she is wired for survival. My heart is screaming to have it all, that must be out there. Even though many around me have settled for only the things that they need, I refuse to settle. Despite my heart’s unruly qualities she is a fighter and once she sets her sights on something she doesn’t let go. I guess for right now my heart is winning the battle with my mind in a close second.

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Beautiful Black Princesses Finally Have a Face

Growing up I was a definite Disney junkie. I grew up on Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and The Little Mermaid. All the fairy tales that sprinkle a little girls dreams with magic and hopes of one day becoming the beautiful princess waiting for true love’s kiss. When I was young, it didn’t bother me that none of the princesses resembled me. I thought I was perfectly capable of becoming a princess without pale skin, blue eyes, and long blonde hair. However, as I got older it began to bother me that Disney didn’t see little brown girls as worthy enough to spare an hour and a half and a prince they had lying around the studio. I settled on Pachontas and Princess Jasmine as close enough sisters in color and accepted the fact that I probably would never get my Black princess. In fact, I can still remember a conversation that I had with a girl in the eighth grade. During yearbook, when I expressed my distaste for Disney’s discrimination, she told me that there would never be a Black princess because it would not make enough money. Nobody would pay to go see a movie with a Black princess. Well I hope she is around this holiday season when Disney releases their first ever full length motion picture about a Black princess from Louisiana. I guess that is their peace offering to the hurricane Katrina victims. I am thrilled that they finally decided to make room for our rich history in the Disney vault. Their choice of Louisiana as a backdrop is impressive. From the previews they look to have incorporated all the colorful characters of the deep south with the full sound of New Orleans blues and beautiful shades of the creole people. I’ll be interested to see the response this movie gets and also how the princess is portrayed. Hopefully, she will be the perfect makeup of beauty, grace, wit, and a little bit of soul just like the real Black beauties I know.  Even if nobody but me, myself, and I go to see it  I’m ecstatic that my future daughters can dream of becoming a princess in color and my future sons can know that little brown boys are more than capable of being Prince charming. The first Black president and the first Black princess all in a years time, a girl could get spoiled with all this activity going on. =)

http://disney.go.com/disneypictures/princessandthefrog/

Real Women Make Noise

Dear Sexually Frustrated and Repressed Women of America, 

This is my personal letter to you. There is nothing wrong with you. Put down the self help magazine that tells you,  ladies speak only when spoken to. Forget your Grandmother’s raspy voice telling you that “a whistling woman and a cackling hen, never come to a very good end.” Ignore the directions that a lady sits with only her ankles crossed.

 That growing burn in the pit of your stomach is calling you. The one that stretches past your crossed ankles and curls your painted toes is begging to be set free. How could you ignore something so potent? Please do not be distracted by the outside commentators on your life. Being a woman is not synonymous with being a prude. In fact it is quite the opposite. Women are creatures capable of limitless feelings and passionate emotions. Embrace that. Never be afraid of that yearning. Listen to it. Trust it like you do your intuition. It is rarely wrong. As long as you are being safe both physically and emotionally I see nothing wrong with following both your heart and your desire. Combining the two can only lead you to euphoria or at least one version of it.  

This maybe unconventional, maybe even discouraged, but I am tired of seeing ordinarily dynamic, boisterous women be silenced in the bedroom. Feel free to initiate events, whistle as loud as you can, and by all means uncross those ankles. Being sexually free and satisfied does not make you less of a lady, it makes you more of a woman. Feed your yearning something filling and indulgent. Above all else, keep it safe as only the real women do. 

Love always, 

Ladybird

Faking the Funk

Today I had a job interview. In my opinion I would say that it went well (Thank God, because I definitely need the job!) However it truly got me to thinking about the interview process and the institution of the work place. This interview was not for corporate america but rather for a program dealing with underprivileged youth. Professionalism is something that I value but I think that most places expect a little too much from potential employees. The point of an interview is to get to know the person and see if they will be the best fit for the position. However an interview, in the traditional sense, is not conducive for finding out much about a person. It is very clearly the second cousin of our education system. The only way to succeed is to regurgitate the appropriate answers. We have been taught to tell them what they want to hear, useing your most polite and professional voice. Be sure to cover up any and all tattoos and piercings and curb things to make yourself appear like the most brilliant, talented and upstanding citizen there is. Professionalism is a necessity but at what cost? Should professionalism overshadow your personality? It leaves a lot of people at a disadvantage because they are quickly judged by their nature and lifestyle choices. Does that take away from their ability to do the job at hand? Are they truly less qualified because they get nervous in front of a new group or because they chose to have their deceased grandmothers name tattooed on their arm?

It also makes me wonder if these companies are truly looking out for the best interest of thier businesses. Although I never lie in an interview, I do know how to skew the truth, stretch and mold it until it fits perfectly in the answer box. After walking away from the interview I always feel that I have impressed them but do they really know me? Are they truly aware of my considerate nature or my no-nonsense attitude? Can they see that I will have bad days and will probably make mistakes because I did not ask the right questions? Is it fair to them that I know how to cover my flaws well? Or does it simply hurt me more in the long-run, when I fall short of the things that I promised them in my hour-long puppet show? I don't like that feeling. Of course I want the job but I don't want to have to be that person that I showed in the interview everyday because to be honest it is not really me.

I have been on both sides of this process. I try to look past the bull into what people really are. It always puts me off when I can't see somebody's real self. I often look at some of the people who have hired me and wondered how long ago is was when they sat in my seat and fed bs to the "important people" across the table. As I think about it, this phenomenon stems back, loosely to civil obedience. The reason people like to hear the mundane script they once read themselves is because it shows ability to follow, not lead. It is much too intimidating to meet somebody who is going to challenge the status quo. A standard interview question is, Are you a leader or a follower? translation? will you be able to lead everybody else while following me blindly?

There really is no solution. The corporate world is not going to change, they are going to continue to judge people harshly and unjustly. We as prospective employees are going to continue to do the horse and pony show. It's the only way to gain all the shallow things that we don't need but that we want. An endless merry-go-round. Maybe one day I'll pick a new ride, until then I'll be the caramel colored pony on the round about, silently waiting for the right time to spring free.

Emotional Circus

It hit me today that men and women are really totally different species. The way our bodies move, our thoughts process, the way words flow off our tongues are all vastly different. Within those difference are small subgroups that further show our differences and make us who we are. I used to think that I was strong, not just for a woman but in general. Today, for a brief moment, I questioned my own emotional strength. I cry to convey every emotion; happiness, despair, anger. I can be extremely immature and rash, and I tend to wear my heart visibly on my sleeve. I never have been one to hide it when I am interested in somebody or something. In my short lifespan of dating I have only come into contact with two men who were not in love with me, when I was in love with them. In fact comparing the two , they share many similarities. One that dawned on me today was something they told me. With the both of them, I expressed how much I cared about them, how much I loved them, although it was not in my best interest. Their response? "you really shouldn't be. I don't want you to feel that way about me. I'm not that great of a guy" Not exactly the sweet-nothing I was expecting.

Those kind of negative responses puzzled and haunted me for a long time. I couldn't understand why they were trying to protect me from themselves. They seemed perfectly harmless, any of their wildness could certainly be tamed by my charm and care. Well today I finally figured it out, those warning were never for me. They were not concerned about my well being or my feelings. Oh no, those warnings were for self preservation. I figured out that they didn't want me to feel strongly about them because WHEN (not IF) they hurt me, knowing how strongly I felt about them would then make them accountable. Ignorance was not only bliss, it was their get-out-of-jail-free card. If I never fell in love with them then letting go would be a clean break. They would never have to feel guilty. They would never fall from the emotional tight-rope because they never had to set foot on it. AHHHH clarity =). After that declaration, I thought that because I had been so willing to jump out on faith it made me weak, too vulnerable. But upon futher review...I realized that they are the weak ones. I may fall off,I may even get scratched, bruised, and broken on the way down, but at least I was brave enough to step out on the line.