“What you want might make you cry and what you need might pass you by if you don’t catch it. And what you need ironically will turn out you want to be if you just let it.”
-Lauryn Hill
Wise words, beautiful song. I guess I just don’t have the patience. It seems that all the needs in my life never quite match the wants. My brain and my heart are constantly in a civil war and quite frankly, my body is beyond tired. Sound and grounded, my brain has visions of what my life needs for success and survival but my heart is a free spirit. She is stubborn and refuses to be told what to do. From her perspective, if things do not feel good in the moment there is no need for it in our life. I’ve tried to teach her the virtue in patience, to see life beyond the here and now. But she never has been what one would call virtuous and delayed gratification is out of the question. Both me and my brain are fed up with her but she is impossible to let go of. Her arrhythmic beat is the sound track to my life. True it can be erratic, but once you catch the rhythm it turns into a beautiful song. Had I only listened to my brain over the last twenty-one years, life would have been beige and dull; quiet. I’m sure it would have been my version of perfection but where is the fun in that?
While my brain is methodical and my heart is fickle, I am selfish. I don’t want to have to choose between the two. I want the things that I need to also be the things that I want. Why should I have to sacrifice one or the other? They are both equally important. Of course my mind tells me to get the essentials, she is wired for survival. My heart is screaming to have it all, that must be out there. Even though many around me have settled for only the things that they need, I refuse to settle. Despite my heart’s unruly qualities she is a fighter and once she sets her sights on something she doesn’t let go. I guess for right now my heart is winning the battle with my mind in a close second.
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