Maturity

My mother tells me all the time, " When a woman who usually says much, says nothing at all it is cause for much concern." I know that she is right. I have seen it work on numerous occasions. Yet I find myself in a place all too familiar. Something or someone has made me mad. And no matter how much I try to say nothing, to ignore my anger and disappointment, its clinging to my skin, settling in my forced smile, making me heavy and hot. The more I chew on my silence, the more bitter it tastes. I know I won't feel better until I say something, even if it's unrelated. So of course (because I still have a problem with self-control) I say something. Immediately the weight is lifted. Now that weight is replaced with something else. Guilt. Which is even worse than the anger. This is clearly a no-win situation.

Why do I do this to myself and the ones that I love? It seems impossible for me to be emotionally vulnerable with those that I'm close to. If I don't express myself, I'm afraid they will take advantage of me, continue to do whatever it is that they have done, repeatedly and I'm definitely not going to allow that. There has to be someway to express myself, in the moment, without getting heated and without having to say I'm sorry afterwards.

Recently, I've been confronted with a great many arguments in relationships that are not used to much dissension. Its stressful, emotionally draining, and downright annoying. I find myself in a constant cycle of aggravation, anger, short-lived satisfaction, guilt, and disappointment. I want to break it, but when I say nothing it makes me feel weak and like the other person has won. Even though I know that when one person in a relationship "wins" both parties lose, it never feels that way. After an argument where I say nothing, I envision the other person taking a victory lap while I hang my head in defeat. I, like many, are just afraid of being the bigger person or maybe we are just sick of always having doing it. Either way, I know how I'm handling theses situations is not right but I'm too apprehensive to change it.

Whew, at least I have admitted that! That is the first step toward recovery right? I'm learning that it takes a lot of trust to be mature. It sounds strange but its true. I have to truly trust that the other person is not going to take my kindness as a weakness. We have been taught for so long to guard ourselves from everybody and everything that when somebody comes along that we can trust we push them away being stubborn, negative, and aggressive. It's particularly hard to stay mature when so many times in the past the other person has taken advantage of my compassion. I've got to learn to turn the other cheek in-spite of a sore neck and a tender cheek.

MY Declaration of Independence

I'm declaring my independence. Reclaiming my freedom, happiness and quite frankly my sanity. On this day, I vow to rescind my friendship from any and all those "friends" ( and here I use that term very loosely) deemed to be toxic. Liars, ingrates, and those who are envious are of a particularly bitter form of poison. Over the years I have tried to defend these "friends" against the slander of others and against the tiny voice in my head that said they weren't deserving of such a title. I've turned the other cheek and looked the other way while they continually did things intentionally and unintentionally to hurt or embarrass me.

ADDENDUM 1

Let the record show that I humbly admit that I have done things to friends that have hurt them in the past. I have. Usually not intentional but hurtful nonetheless. Once or twice can be forgiven ( although I was not) but a continual disregard for my feelings and a refusal to revaluate oneself is grounds for immediate dismissal.

If there is "friend" in my life who accepts being sneaky, deceitful , manipulative, ungrateful, spoiled, jealous, catty, bitchy, rude, nasty, selfish, disrespectful, self-serving, unsupportive, degrading and/or belittling they have to go. I'm not going to read them the small print on their friendship contract or show them just how dirty my mouth can be. I'm simply going forget them. I will remain cordial in situations where it requires me to. But I will not reach out to them for ANYTHING and if they reach out to me for anything more than a glass of water on their death bed, I am going to politely decline to help. I'm over people making everything about themselves without regards to how it makes others feel. If these "friends" don't care about me, why should I care about them?

ADDENDUM 2

This declaration should be upheld on special occasions. Everybody should have days that are special and all about themselves and their happiness. (i.e. weddings, birthdays, child birth, anniversaries, graduations etc. ) However, when you have true friends and loved ones trying to make you happy and attempting to do any and everything you ask on these special occasions you still have to stay away from the aforementioned list. If not? Cut-off.

On this day of July 10th at 10:04 pm in the year of 2011 I declare I am officially free of any and all people who match the description above. If there is someone who cares to dispute this contract and their rights as a friend they are more than welcome to appeal. However, appeals are lengthy and tedious task and I have to be honest...I'm not all that patient. ( Trying to work on it). In other words, it doesn't look good for those who I have mentally crossed off my social network.

**Sighs**

I feel better already! ...and they say that detox is painful... =)

I Want to Remember

Today marks the two year anniversary of my last post. To the date. How strange that I would find myself back here. I fell across my own blog after a long hiatus and something spoke to me and said I needed to revisit my electronic thoughts.

In two years it's interesting how much has changed yet stayed the same. (Cliche, I know.) I'm at such a juxtaposition of who I have always been and who I feel destined to be. I'm struggling with combing the two, more so how to incorporate those personalities into the relationships that I already have. For those that are just meeting me its simple. This is the only Ladybird they have ever known. Outspoken, a little rowdy, dependable, mature, fun-loving, and a tad self-serving. That isn't who I have always been. I used to put all others before myself and my feelings, until I realized that while I was concerned with everybody else's emotional well being, virtually no one was interested in mine. I became a walking doormat for a lot of people that I considered special or important and over time I decided I wasn't going to take it anymore. That isn't to say that I am not still sensitive to the feelings and needs of others because that is still a priority but it is no longer my number one priority if it means that my own feelings have to go unheard or unnoticed.

Of all the qualities that have changed about me, this seems to be the hardest pill for some that are close to me to swallow. In voicing my wants and needs I notice the visible discomfort of some. They shift, sweat, and groan at the words "Yes. But, I think..." (It's become my catchphrase) I no longer fit neatly into the box they have made for me. They no longer know the right words to get me to see their point or to get me to do the things they want. I think that getting to know me all over again would be a little exciting but for them it's scary. Sure it probably feels a little less stable but you can't fight a person's growth. That only makes them become more defiant and stronger in their new self and creates distance in that relationship. I hate to hear from people "you didn't USE to do that" or "We've always done it this way." Those are awful excuses. Just because you have done something the same way in the past doesn't mean that you need to continue to do it the same way. That is called a rut and is something that I am no longer willing to except in my personal friendships and relationships. Switching things up helps me to stay interesting and interested and I can only hope that those who say they truly love me will be willing to join me on the journey to self discovery and love the new me as much as they loved the old me.

What I can't go back to is the old me. I was stifled and unhappy a lot of the time. I feel happy now and I want to keep it that way. I don't want to ever outgrow the ones that have always been with me but I will not allow them to keep me stagnant. As a part of my rediscovery I am going to commit to recording this journey. Good, bad, or ugly I want to remember.

Lie

* A little poem I wrote in a Creative Writing class a friend of mine teaches.

Lie.

Lie. Go on, do it.

Lie to me.

Lie to me while you lie beside me.

Lie to me the way I like it.

Lie to me with empty promises.

Lie to me with strong conviction.

Lie to me to keep me hooked on your addiction.

Lie to me with wide smiles and cozy eyes.

Lie to me to validate what I know inside.

Lie to me.

Lie. Go on, do it.

Lie.

Waiting

**This is a song/poem I wrote. It's sing-songy like a song but it has no beat to flow to, so for now it's just a poem..until further notice.... =)

Don't know why I sat by the phone 

When I knew you wouldn't call. 

Guess it was my young heart's desire 

when my mind knew all along.

She tried so desperately to warn me 

to make me see your ways. 

But everytime she was resolved 

My naive heart told me, stay. 

The warning signs have always been 

hiding in plain sight 

but through thick rose jaded glasses 

your red flare was guiding light.

Your deep facade is empty 

a barrier to your innerself. 

I though that if I paved the way  

You'd follow with my help. 

But now I see my time and care were 

used, abused, and wasted. 

Thown away on someone 

who's view on love was tainted.

So here I sit--without you 

but surely not alone 

my lonely heart and frustrated mind 

are still waiting by the phone.

The 3 Entities

“What you want might make you cry and what you need might pass you by if you don’t catch it. And what you need ironically will turn out you want to be if you just let it.”

-Lauryn Hill 

Wise words, beautiful song. I guess I just don’t have the patience. It seems that all the needs in my life never quite match the wants. My brain and my heart are constantly in a civil war and quite frankly, my body is beyond tired. Sound and grounded, my brain has visions of what my life needs for success and survival but my heart is a free spirit. She is stubborn and refuses to be told what to do. From her perspective, if things do not feel good in the moment there is no need for it in our life. I’ve tried to teach her the virtue in patience, to see life beyond the here and now. But she never has been what one would call virtuous and delayed gratification is out of the question. Both me and my brain are fed up with her but she is impossible to let go of. Her arrhythmic beat is the sound track to my life. True it can be erratic, but once you catch the rhythm it turns into a beautiful song. Had I only listened to my brain over the last twenty-one years, life would have been beige and dull; quiet. I’m sure it would have been my version of perfection but where is the fun in that? 

While my brain is methodical and my heart is fickle, I am selfish. I don’t want to have to choose between the two. I want the things that I need to also be the things that I want. Why should I have to sacrifice one or the other? They are both equally important. Of course my mind tells me to get the essentials, she is wired for survival. My heart is screaming to have it all, that must be out there. Even though many around me have settled for only the things that they need, I refuse to settle. Despite my heart’s unruly qualities she is a fighter and once she sets her sights on something she doesn’t let go. I guess for right now my heart is winning the battle with my mind in a close second.

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Beautiful Black Princesses Finally Have a Face

Growing up I was a definite Disney junkie. I grew up on Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and The Little Mermaid. All the fairy tales that sprinkle a little girls dreams with magic and hopes of one day becoming the beautiful princess waiting for true love’s kiss. When I was young, it didn’t bother me that none of the princesses resembled me. I thought I was perfectly capable of becoming a princess without pale skin, blue eyes, and long blonde hair. However, as I got older it began to bother me that Disney didn’t see little brown girls as worthy enough to spare an hour and a half and a prince they had lying around the studio. I settled on Pachontas and Princess Jasmine as close enough sisters in color and accepted the fact that I probably would never get my Black princess. In fact, I can still remember a conversation that I had with a girl in the eighth grade. During yearbook, when I expressed my distaste for Disney’s discrimination, she told me that there would never be a Black princess because it would not make enough money. Nobody would pay to go see a movie with a Black princess. Well I hope she is around this holiday season when Disney releases their first ever full length motion picture about a Black princess from Louisiana. I guess that is their peace offering to the hurricane Katrina victims. I am thrilled that they finally decided to make room for our rich history in the Disney vault. Their choice of Louisiana as a backdrop is impressive. From the previews they look to have incorporated all the colorful characters of the deep south with the full sound of New Orleans blues and beautiful shades of the creole people. I’ll be interested to see the response this movie gets and also how the princess is portrayed. Hopefully, she will be the perfect makeup of beauty, grace, wit, and a little bit of soul just like the real Black beauties I know.  Even if nobody but me, myself, and I go to see it  I’m ecstatic that my future daughters can dream of becoming a princess in color and my future sons can know that little brown boys are more than capable of being Prince charming. The first Black president and the first Black princess all in a years time, a girl could get spoiled with all this activity going on. =)

http://disney.go.com/disneypictures/princessandthefrog/