My mother tells me all the time, " When a woman who usually says much, says nothing at all it is cause for much concern." I know that she is right. I have seen it work on numerous occasions. Yet I find myself in a place all too familiar. Something or someone has made me mad. And no matter how much I try to say nothing, to ignore my anger and disappointment, its clinging to my skin, settling in my forced smile, making me heavy and hot. The more I chew on my silence, the more bitter it tastes. I know I won't feel better until I say something, even if it's unrelated. So of course (because I still have a problem with self-control) I say something. Immediately the weight is lifted. Now that weight is replaced with something else. Guilt. Which is even worse than the anger. This is clearly a no-win situation.
Why do I do this to myself and the ones that I love? It seems impossible for me to be emotionally vulnerable with those that I'm close to. If I don't express myself, I'm afraid they will take advantage of me, continue to do whatever it is that they have done, repeatedly and I'm definitely not going to allow that. There has to be someway to express myself, in the moment, without getting heated and without having to say I'm sorry afterwards.
Recently, I've been confronted with a great many arguments in relationships that are not used to much dissension. Its stressful, emotionally draining, and downright annoying. I find myself in a constant cycle of aggravation, anger, short-lived satisfaction, guilt, and disappointment. I want to break it, but when I say nothing it makes me feel weak and like the other person has won. Even though I know that when one person in a relationship "wins" both parties lose, it never feels that way. After an argument where I say nothing, I envision the other person taking a victory lap while I hang my head in defeat. I, like many, are just afraid of being the bigger person or maybe we are just sick of always having doing it. Either way, I know how I'm handling theses situations is not right but I'm too apprehensive to change it.
Whew, at least I have admitted that! That is the first step toward recovery right? I'm learning that it takes a lot of trust to be mature. It sounds strange but its true. I have to truly trust that the other person is not going to take my kindness as a weakness. We have been taught for so long to guard ourselves from everybody and everything that when somebody comes along that we can trust we push them away being stubborn, negative, and aggressive. It's particularly hard to stay mature when so many times in the past the other person has taken advantage of my compassion. I've got to learn to turn the other cheek in-spite of a sore neck and a tender cheek.
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