I Want to Remember

Today marks the two year anniversary of my last post. To the date. How strange that I would find myself back here. I fell across my own blog after a long hiatus and something spoke to me and said I needed to revisit my electronic thoughts.

In two years it's interesting how much has changed yet stayed the same. (Cliche, I know.) I'm at such a juxtaposition of who I have always been and who I feel destined to be. I'm struggling with combing the two, more so how to incorporate those personalities into the relationships that I already have. For those that are just meeting me its simple. This is the only Ladybird they have ever known. Outspoken, a little rowdy, dependable, mature, fun-loving, and a tad self-serving. That isn't who I have always been. I used to put all others before myself and my feelings, until I realized that while I was concerned with everybody else's emotional well being, virtually no one was interested in mine. I became a walking doormat for a lot of people that I considered special or important and over time I decided I wasn't going to take it anymore. That isn't to say that I am not still sensitive to the feelings and needs of others because that is still a priority but it is no longer my number one priority if it means that my own feelings have to go unheard or unnoticed.

Of all the qualities that have changed about me, this seems to be the hardest pill for some that are close to me to swallow. In voicing my wants and needs I notice the visible discomfort of some. They shift, sweat, and groan at the words "Yes. But, I think..." (It's become my catchphrase) I no longer fit neatly into the box they have made for me. They no longer know the right words to get me to see their point or to get me to do the things they want. I think that getting to know me all over again would be a little exciting but for them it's scary. Sure it probably feels a little less stable but you can't fight a person's growth. That only makes them become more defiant and stronger in their new self and creates distance in that relationship. I hate to hear from people "you didn't USE to do that" or "We've always done it this way." Those are awful excuses. Just because you have done something the same way in the past doesn't mean that you need to continue to do it the same way. That is called a rut and is something that I am no longer willing to except in my personal friendships and relationships. Switching things up helps me to stay interesting and interested and I can only hope that those who say they truly love me will be willing to join me on the journey to self discovery and love the new me as much as they loved the old me.

What I can't go back to is the old me. I was stifled and unhappy a lot of the time. I feel happy now and I want to keep it that way. I don't want to ever outgrow the ones that have always been with me but I will not allow them to keep me stagnant. As a part of my rediscovery I am going to commit to recording this journey. Good, bad, or ugly I want to remember.