Emotional Circus

It hit me today that men and women are really totally different species. The way our bodies move, our thoughts process, the way words flow off our tongues are all vastly different. Within those difference are small subgroups that further show our differences and make us who we are. I used to think that I was strong, not just for a woman but in general. Today, for a brief moment, I questioned my own emotional strength. I cry to convey every emotion; happiness, despair, anger. I can be extremely immature and rash, and I tend to wear my heart visibly on my sleeve. I never have been one to hide it when I am interested in somebody or something. In my short lifespan of dating I have only come into contact with two men who were not in love with me, when I was in love with them. In fact comparing the two , they share many similarities. One that dawned on me today was something they told me. With the both of them, I expressed how much I cared about them, how much I loved them, although it was not in my best interest. Their response? "you really shouldn't be. I don't want you to feel that way about me. I'm not that great of a guy" Not exactly the sweet-nothing I was expecting.

Those kind of negative responses puzzled and haunted me for a long time. I couldn't understand why they were trying to protect me from themselves. They seemed perfectly harmless, any of their wildness could certainly be tamed by my charm and care. Well today I finally figured it out, those warning were never for me. They were not concerned about my well being or my feelings. Oh no, those warnings were for self preservation. I figured out that they didn't want me to feel strongly about them because WHEN (not IF) they hurt me, knowing how strongly I felt about them would then make them accountable. Ignorance was not only bliss, it was their get-out-of-jail-free card. If I never fell in love with them then letting go would be a clean break. They would never have to feel guilty. They would never fall from the emotional tight-rope because they never had to set foot on it. AHHHH clarity =). After that declaration, I thought that because I had been so willing to jump out on faith it made me weak, too vulnerable. But upon futher review...I realized that they are the weak ones. I may fall off,I may even get scratched, bruised, and broken on the way down, but at least I was brave enough to step out on the line.